Patrick is a 5th year senior at SJSU and had originally transferred to study biology. After two weeks, it was enough of biology, and Patrick changed their major. After searching for something else in the sciences, during an elective class taught by a master's student, Patrick found their love for photography.

Patrick's work has lately involved topics and subjects that have made them uncomfortable to discuss. Self-portraiture is difficult for them as they dislike being in front of the camera or telling too much of their story. This series breaks that down into what caused a break from school pre-pandemic, and what ultimately led to habits that Patrick did not understand.

Running from emotions is something everyone does, but males seem to have socially inherited as part of their identity. With trauma in their past, more than a decade of running had turned into inescapable and palpable fear, apprehension, and general malaise which was noticed by others. Beginning Spring of 2020, Patrick began seeking help for a possible diagnosis of PTSD and was met with a lack of resources but kept trying to understand what was going on with them.

Several extracurricular textbooks and a few workbooks later, Patrick understood much more, but could not cope with the feelings they had been stifling for so long. It became too much to feel and they began to run to drugs again for the first time in years to self-soothe. This didn't heal any wounds, and ultimately led to feeling worse about what already had felt like too much.

After waking up in a psychiatric ward, unable to see, Patrick was finally at peace with their emotions, able to understand that it was okay to feel, to not run and hide, or shy away from the less than adequate by some imaginary standardized set of “acceptable feelings.” It was hard to break the ice of the conditioned stoic nature, but ultimately accepting that things could change brought about a manifestation of vulnerability that has led to this series.

In plain clothing, featuring framed subjects that we have all grown up with in school-portrait-headshots, this series features Patrick in various states of distress, unrest, and disease. This series both serves to allot some emotional expression by Patrick, alleviating the stress of living with a debilitating condition and brings about something that looks more familiar to the viewer. The simplistic nature of the composition offers a focal point which many often simply glance at, as strangers. You never know how someone is truly feeling, and I feel it is important to know that you have a wonderful story that can be told. This time around, instead of attempting to under or over-disclose how and what I suffer from, I decided to depict how my behavior had or has changed when struggling with Fight/Flight/Freeze tendencies, or dissociation due to the freeze response from even the slightest hint, or absence of tension that could possibly lead to reexperiencing trauma.

Many people may experience dissociation (dissociate) during their life. If you dissociate, you may feel disconnected from yourself and the world around you. For example, you may feel detached from your body or feel as though the world around you is unreal.

I tried many ways to deal with this debilitating illness before attempting to harm myself. I still carry the scar, in a very visible place, which has discolored a tattoo I like to look at. I learned I do not enjoy pain, of any kind, and cried all the way home that day. Not one person said something to me about my tears.

Don't be that way, say something. It could have been the graceful moment that saved my life before another attempt to end it.

I have been hospitalized more than a dozen times, most of which were due to not having a safe, affordable place to live, or from thoughts or attempts of suicide.

I am living proof that we can overcome the worst emotions we have to offer ourselves if we only take the time to heal. I am still healing, and I cannot wait to find out what the next part of my story brings.